Delivering way too early…
On Tuesday, January 19th at 3:19 am, I woke up to see that my water had broken at just 28 weeks. I am carrying boy/girl twins and my pregnancy had been healthy and “smooth” up to that moment. I immediatly woke my husband up and asked him to take me to the hospital. After experiencing a miscarriage in April of 2020, my mind started thinking that the worst thing was happening and on top of that, my super active babies were not moving at all during those 15 minutes of getting to the hospital, which made it feel like a lifetime. After an ultrasound, multiple tests and two steroid shots, the OB told me that infact my water had broken but that, I also had a premature rupture of membrane (PROM). After researching about this topic that I had never heard before, I realized that is common in many pregnant women. But just like when I miscarried my first baby, I felt so lost because no one talks to you about these things. We have to leave the taboos behind and create safe spaces for women to talk about these difficult but common subjects. I mean, by carrying twins I knew that delivering early was almost inevitable. But now, I also have to mentally prepare myself to have my babies in the NICU for a couple of weeks. For a mom, that is just a terrifying thought. I was dreaming of taking my babies home with me after delivering them.
Two weeks have passed and I’m still at the hospital. I feel grateful because the babies are doing good in my belly still — they are gymnasts in the making. On the other hand, I feel miserable of not being able to enjoy my last weeks of pregnancy and not seeing my family who have been my rock during this entire process. Yes, it may sound selfish but being on bedrest without knowing when will your babies will come out SUCKS BIG TIME. Sometimes, I think they would be better in the NICU than in my belly because I feel so sad and angry that this is happening to me. After miscarrying a baby, I had not been able to enjoy the first months of my pregnancy due to the fear of losing them and now, PROM is not letting me enjoy my lasts moments of being pregnant. I can’t record my babies kicks because my belly is covered by monitors 24/7. I can’t prep their nursery before they arrive to this world. I can’t enjoy a few last weeks of sleeping soundly because nurses are constantly entering my room to check on me. I can’t receive visitors because of this terrible pandemic and I surely miss and need my mom. I can’t move into our new and bigger place because I’m stuck in these four walls. I can’t happily enjoy my last moments alone with my husband before becoming a family of four, well five because we have our pug Rocco. Lastly, I can’t tell when or how my babies will arrive nor how long they will have to stay at the hospital.
Every day the babies stay in my belly is a blessing — at least that is what my OB says —while I am still trying to figure out what is the lesson this horrible experience is teaching me. As if losing a baby was not enough, not knowing if my babies will be 100% okay is killing me. This is not how is supposed to be. I should be happy and enjoying my last weeks of pregnancy in peace. Not in a hospital bed crying a hundred times a day. The only thing that keeps me going is listening those two beautiful heartbeats all day. Now, I’m just anxiously waiting to hear their first cry as soon as they enter this world. I already understand that saying: “Oh, the sacrifices a mom does for their kids”. I’m sacrificing everything that I have to be the best I can be for my two babies.
Luka & Luna, I’m sorry my body is not a safe place for you guys right now and I’m sorry that I will be delivering you way too early. Just think about it this way, you are both so LOVED that we can’t wait another second to hold you in our arms. Mom & Dad — and our entire families — are waiting, praying and rooting for you. Delivering way too early will let us love you both for a longer time. So, I’m ready when you both are, my beautiful rainbow babies.